It has been almost a decade since I lost my older sister. Honestly, this is the first that I get to reveal how her loss has affected me. I can still declare that I am totally not over it. We shared lot of great moments together, what makes it harder is that she was more like my duplicate, we looked like identical twins. I don’t want to really dwell much on the cause of her death. Loss is a natural part of life, but it doesn’t make it easy to accept or live through. I still cannot believe that she has left this earth, I am still living in hope that she will perhaps come back? Or maybe in the next lifetime, is there even a next life time?
I look to the sky to feel closer to my sister and feel her warmth. I sometimes ask myself how life would be with her around. Her passing left a big void in our hearts that no one can ever fill. Everyone who was part of her life was saddened by her sudden death. If I could, I would bring her back to life, but there is no way. I sometimes find myself talking to her in my mind, imagining her here. I know this might sound crazy but honestly, I sometimes catch myself having some sort of a communication with her. With the passing of time, and designated space made for healing I’ve come to the conclusion that the loss of my only sister has contributed to my growth and I’m better because of it.
But, if you’re still in that raw, open, and super vulnerable place of depression and sadness I want to offer you my biggest virtual hug and encourage you to keep taking steps around that to rediscover who you are after your loss. At the end of the day, joy is a choice and it is up to you to find it. One of the best ways I’ve rediscovered my happiness is through the writing process. Journaling was the one place I could express my feelings. I didn’t have to edit my responses or have to endure other people’s advice about how I should grieve. The truth is, there is no “right” way to mourn a loss.
Again I got to use my imagination, creativity and introspection, as a tool for healing. Perhaps, you might go back and do the things that you have always wanted to do, getting back to your hobbies, doing stuff that can revive your happiness, at the end of the day. Life goes on. You are bound to rediscover yourself and do you.
I hope that you find that spark that leads you around the corner and back to yourself. To that new version of you. One who can see the light at the end of the tunnel and go after it.
Written by Jolene Tshakane